Obsession.  Compulsion.  Not a good combination.  According to the internet, my 5 year survival rate is 75-77% which is scaring the hell out of me.  So, do I believe a surgeon who seemed to have no clue what the fuck he was on about or do I lean towards the statistics that every website seem to agree on?  I want to see my usual man at the hospital, but he was not available the last time due to the clinic being understaffed at the time.  And now I have to wait until April before I can see him again, and this time round I will not be settling for anyone else!  I want some bloody straightforward and honest answers, but I want them to be answers that don't scare me.  The surgeon scared me.  He went into worst case scenerios and was quite brutal.  Bastard.  Winston (my usual guy) was confident that the cancer had not spread to the lymph nodes but recommended I have the node biopsy for peace of mind.  He was right.  So, I would probably trust him with statistics and other bits of information needed.

Maybe I am feeling horrid and paranoid due to lack of sleep and dealing with a teething baby who is being a horrid little shit.  I feel as though I have not achieved much this weekend due to having a grumpy temperamental 8.5 month old terror needing attention and that frustrates me.  Today was the first time in a long time that I felt like I was not mother material.  I felt that I wasn't good enough for this role.  No matter what I did, he was not happy.  My confidence lowered and I felt out of my depth.  Maybe I just need some sleep.  Maybe I need a break.  Maybe there just needs to be more hours in the goddamn day!

Paul is home, I have a beer and the shower is about to be invaded by me.

Fuck this weekend.