A year later...

Recalls.  Flashbacks.  And not nice ones either.

Next Tuesday my baby will become one year of age.  Next Tuesday I have my post-op checkup at the hospital.  Wyatt was born a few minutes before 3pm.  My checkup is at 3pm.  This appointment is also being done in the same building as Wyatt was born and where Wyatt and I had to stay for a few days after he came into this weird and wacky world.  It was the start of post-natal depression and the start of feeling as though my world was falling apart.  This makes me very nervous.  And a little scared.

Maybe I am just feeling this way due to not being very well right now and having an unwell little boy who is waking throughout the night and becoming unsettled.  The sleep deprivation causes anxiety.  And I am pretty certain that part of what causes depression is lack of sleep.  It fucks with ones mind and thoughts and makes everything seem worse than what they really are.

Almost a year ago was the start of sleep deprivation for me, due to having a newborn baby.  Almost a year ago was the start of bad post-natal depression for me.  Almost a year ago it felt as though everything was being turned upside down and inside out.

Then again, almost a year ago I met my little man and became an overprotective lioness.  Almost a year ago, I gave birth to a prem baby who has since thrived and made my heart burst with pride.  So, if I start having the depressive thoughts and feelings, maybe I need to attempt to push them aside and replace them with some positives.  Hard to do at the time, but one can only try.

There are parents out there who would give anything to watch their children grow yet won't get the chance.  I know I should consider myself lucky that I have managed to beat Melanoma and I get the chance to see Wyatt grow.  There are times I feel frustrated with him, and then I feel guilty because I feel as though I should be enjoying every moment, even the bad ones.  But, are there really any parents out there who don't feel some frustration at times?  I think bloody not.

The good things in life

Last year was an incredibly full on year, from being dignosed with Melanoma to delivering a prem baby followed by Post Natal Depression which had me believing the world was ending.  It really was.  And it was scary.

I once believed that I had no fear of death.  Now I know better.  Facing your own mortality is one hell of an eye opener.  And although the fears never completely disappear, I have come to realise that I really do have some good things happening in life.  This year seems to be the makeup for all the crap I experienced last year.

It all started with being told that my having crisis cover in my life insurance covered my Melanoma.  I forgot I had the cover, so to find out that there was money to be paid to me was quite fabulous.  Bills were paid, shopping was done.  The money went fast, but it was a blast!

I then found out that I was entitled to free accomodation for 4 nights at a Motel in New Plymouth, so in just a few days I will be heading to one of my favourite places with Paul and Wyatt for some pampering, relaxation and cuddles with different breeds of animals.

A CT Scan was done for me 2 weeks ago, and tomorrow I have more moles being removed, but I am choosing to believe that it will all come back ok and I will still be able to say that I am in Remission.  I may feel differently tomorrow, but will cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

Remission.  What a strange word.  What an inbetween word.  No sign of the disease, but not cured.  A word that can cause one to feel fear and relief all at once.  Well, it does for me.  Maybe the intense fear I feel with this Cancer stems partly from the Depression I have.  Or maybe it is perfectly normal.  The lines are blurred.

I know I am luckier than alot of people out there.  I have my own home, a loving partner, a gorgeous son, naughty animals, supportive family, and best of all I am still Cancer-free 13.5 months later which enables me to enjoy all of the above.

So, while I am feeling pretty good right now, why is it that when I have the negative thoughts and feelings I cannot see the good things in my life?  Why can I not focus on those positives every day?  Damn ying yang.  Damn balances.  I want to be able to feel goodness all the time!  Although, if that were to happen I guess I wouldn't appreciate the good things in life when they come around.