Life as I know it.

I have no idea how often I will sit in front of this screen and type away, it all depends on my state of mind and whether or not life allows me time to do so. There will be times I talk about Melanoma or being a first-time parent and there will be times I yabber on about life in general and depression. Hell, there may be times I make fuck all sense or leave the reader confused. I do use words that some may find offensive so if words such as fuck, retard or shithead offend you, then there is a simple solution and that is to go elsewhere and read some lovely delusional blogs about boxes of fluffies and flying piggy's in the sky.


Tuesday, 24 April 2012

A year later...

Recalls.  Flashbacks.  And not nice ones either.

Next Tuesday my baby will become one year of age.  Next Tuesday I have my post-op checkup at the hospital.  Wyatt was born a few minutes before 3pm.  My checkup is at 3pm.  This appointment is also being done in the same building as Wyatt was born and where Wyatt and I had to stay for a few days after he came into this weird and wacky world.  It was the start of post-natal depression and the start of feeling as though my world was falling apart.  This makes me very nervous.  And a little scared.

Maybe I am just feeling this way due to not being very well right now and having an unwell little boy who is waking throughout the night and becoming unsettled.  The sleep deprivation causes anxiety.  And I am pretty certain that part of what causes depression is lack of sleep.  It fucks with ones mind and thoughts and makes everything seem worse than what they really are.

Almost a year ago was the start of sleep deprivation for me, due to having a newborn baby.  Almost a year ago was the start of bad post-natal depression for me.  Almost a year ago it felt as though everything was being turned upside down and inside out.

Then again, almost a year ago I met my little man and became an overprotective lioness.  Almost a year ago, I gave birth to a prem baby who has since thrived and made my heart burst with pride.  So, if I start having the depressive thoughts and feelings, maybe I need to attempt to push them aside and replace them with some positives.  Hard to do at the time, but one can only try.

There are parents out there who would give anything to watch their children grow yet won't get the chance.  I know I should consider myself lucky that I have managed to beat Melanoma and I get the chance to see Wyatt grow.  There are times I feel frustrated with him, and then I feel guilty because I feel as though I should be enjoying every moment, even the bad ones.  But, are there really any parents out there who don't feel some frustration at times?  I think bloody not.
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