The good things in life

Last year was an incredibly full on year, from being dignosed with Melanoma to delivering a prem baby followed by Post Natal Depression which had me believing the world was ending.  It really was.  And it was scary.

I once believed that I had no fear of death.  Now I know better.  Facing your own mortality is one hell of an eye opener.  And although the fears never completely disappear, I have come to realise that I really do have some good things happening in life.  This year seems to be the makeup for all the crap I experienced last year.

It all started with being told that my having crisis cover in my life insurance covered my Melanoma.  I forgot I had the cover, so to find out that there was money to be paid to me was quite fabulous.  Bills were paid, shopping was done.  The money went fast, but it was a blast!

I then found out that I was entitled to free accomodation for 4 nights at a Motel in New Plymouth, so in just a few days I will be heading to one of my favourite places with Paul and Wyatt for some pampering, relaxation and cuddles with different breeds of animals.

A CT Scan was done for me 2 weeks ago, and tomorrow I have more moles being removed, but I am choosing to believe that it will all come back ok and I will still be able to say that I am in Remission.  I may feel differently tomorrow, but will cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

Remission.  What a strange word.  What an inbetween word.  No sign of the disease, but not cured.  A word that can cause one to feel fear and relief all at once.  Well, it does for me.  Maybe the intense fear I feel with this Cancer stems partly from the Depression I have.  Or maybe it is perfectly normal.  The lines are blurred.

I know I am luckier than alot of people out there.  I have my own home, a loving partner, a gorgeous son, naughty animals, supportive family, and best of all I am still Cancer-free 13.5 months later which enables me to enjoy all of the above.

So, while I am feeling pretty good right now, why is it that when I have the negative thoughts and feelings I cannot see the good things in my life?  Why can I not focus on those positives every day?  Damn ying yang.  Damn balances.  I want to be able to feel goodness all the time!  Although, if that were to happen I guess I wouldn't appreciate the good things in life when they come around.