Reflecting on the past can be both horrifying and humourous.  Going through old storage boxes and finding old diaries that date as far back as 1996 is quite funny...... until you start having a browse and realise you were quite the mess all those years ago.  So many words enter the mind.  Slapper.  Death.  Lonely.  Angry.  Sad.  Confused.  Scared.  And so many more.

2011 would have to be the most terrifing year of my life so far.  Even more so than those I experienced during my horrid teenage years.  I was 30 and pregnant with our first child when I found a rapidly changing mole and had it cut out.  It was discovered in February 2011 that this mole was Melanoma and even though the mole was gone, the cancer was not.  My father decided that being pregnant, this was something that needed attention right away so with his help we went to a world renowned surgeon who specialises in the skin and he took a nice big chunk out of my back.  We could not do a Node Biopsy while I was carrying this living creature inside of me so the surgeon went 3 stitches deep into my back in the hopes of getting all of this killer cancer.

I planned on going on Maternity Leave when I was 3 weeks away from my due date, but alas a month before my due date my waters broke.  At work.  Oh shit.  And then came the denial.  I spent the next day going shopping with my other half, Paul, and cleaning house.  Every now and then I would keel over in pain but no, I was NOT in labour as I was not bloody ready for it!  That night was the first night I spent in the hospital hooked up to machines and sucking in the gas..... which apparently made me so high I ended up flirting with Paul while going through contractions.  Sunday afternoon, the 1st of May 2011, after having every pain relief possible, including an epi, I finally got to meet my son, Wyatt, via a forceps delivery.  He was only 5lb 14oz.  53 hours after my waters broke and the first thing that went through my head was "Ha, little grey alien. Cute".  The next few days had both Paul and I at the hospital in a single room with Wyatt and his lack of feeding on top of Jaundice.  A bottle fed baby he became.  Once home we got settled into the sleep deprivation as best as we could, and then along came the Postnatal Depression.  And fuck was it bad.  The world was ending.  We were all going to die.  I just needed to figure out how and when and why.  No, I didn't want to deal with the baby.  I was too nervous.  Too scared.  It was all too much.  Bloody hell child, do you ever shut the hell up?  So, another trip to the doctor was in order.  I already had Depression so I knew the signs of it getting worse and I knew I needed help.  The doc was fantastic.  All I needed to do was take an extra pill a day and Hey Presto!  Isn't medication just bloody marvellous?  It was not a quick fix, but after a few days I certainly felt the difference and was able to start functioning like a Human Being again.

Luckily for me, Wyatt was sleeping through the night when I went back to work, but alas now I had to book in for a Sentinel Node Biopsy.  This was in November 2011.  You are wondering what that actually involves?  Well, they put you to sleep then make a cut under your arm and remove the Sentinel Node for a biopsy.  The Sentinel Node is basically the gatekeeper to the other Nodes.  If the Sentinel Node is positive for Cancer then chances are more are affected.  But, firstly you need to have radioactive dye injected into you around the original Cancer site and yes the needles going in hurt like Hell.  So, once the dye is injected they have you lie on a bed under a strange machine that can see which Nodes the dye travels to.  Basically, it is making a map so the surgeons know where the Cancer would of gone if it spread.  Just before I went into theatre, the surgeon decided that he wanted to take more of my back aswell just to be on the safe side and to make the Melanoma more preventable of being able to come back and visit.  What was supposed to be a day surgery ended up with me being admitted overnight.  Did I tell you I hate hospitals?  I was not a happy camper!  The next day, I was discharged and was on my way to healing.

The above is what my back looked like a few days after the surgery.

Below is under my arm.

I got my results back and I can now say that I won the battle and there is no sign of Melanoma existing within me now.  I do need to go to a clinic at the hospital every 3 months to get checked over and I will need the checks for the next 5 years.  I also take photos every few weeks so I can compare and refer to these if the paranoid thoughts over whether a mole is new or not takes over.

Above is my back once the dressings were able to come off.

Below is under my arm.

What is strange is that my son was born on the first day of Melanoma Awareness Month and my clinic visits for the cancer will be in the same building that my son was born.  Odd.

I have days of fear and terror.  Those days where I am so scared of having the deadiest Skin Cancer come back and take my life.  Those days of utter panic and breakdowns.  But those days are becoming less often and I am becoming less fearful.  The worry will never go away and it will never be ok that I ended up with this ugly disease in the first place.

I know how lucky I am to be surviving the big C, but this does not mean I no longer have bad moody days. It does not mean I no longer have fat days. And it certainly does not mean I am never a Bitch. Afterall, I am human.

Above is what my scar on my back looks like.

Below is under my arm today.

I have never been one to bathe in the suns warmth and have always covered myself in sunscreen and am even one to wear a hat whether I am going for a walk or swimming in the lake.  I am not a beach person and have never been very fond of the summer months and the heat that comes with them, but I did burn as a child.  More than once.

Childhood sunburn can lead to adult Skin Cancer.

Adult sunburn can cause Skin Cancer.

Sunbeds can cause Skin Cancer.

Melanoma is the deadliest form of Skin Cancer.

Melanoma will kill 80 people in New Zealand alone this summer.

Be Sun smart.  Be sun safe.

And ask yourself:

Is a tan really worth your life?