When I was at my worst, the world was ending and there was a nudging thought in the back of my head that wondered if I would be better off not being here. I was close to losing my mind. Much more panic and I could of lost my life. Post natal depression on top of general depression and anxiety had me feeling as though I was barely balancing on the edge of a cliff.
I was lucky in the sense that, being a victim of depression already, I knew the warning signs. I didn't bottle anything up and I was as honest as I could be at the time with my family and doctor. There was no judgment and with the support of people around me, plus some lovely "miracle" pills, I managed to slowly back away from that cliff edge.
Yesterday has left me feeling all different emotions, from hope to sadness to anger. I had to wonder if getting discharged from Mental Health was a bad move. I realised that I have nobody in the professional sense to talk things through with and it is a little bit scary. Then I took a deep breath and decided that I cannot run into the arms of a safe haven everytime I have one of these days. I have incredible support around me anyway, which is more than alot of people out there have.
I had an appointment yesterday morning, with the Professor who originally removed the Melanoma from my back. I needed answers. I needed someone who would be honest and straightforward. And now I need some processing time. My outlook is not bad, in fact it is looking pretty good. Melanoma's above 1mm are not at all good. Any Melanoma is not good, but above 1mm is just shit. Mine was 2.2mm. I had tissue invasion, but was incredible lucky that my Sentinel Lymph Node biopsy came back clear which means the cancer appears to not have spread. I have only a small chance of having a new node grow back cancerous in the same area that the other was taken and just need to keep going to my hospital appointments every 3 months to get checked. My 5 year survival rate, according to statistics, is about 75% which is pretty fucking good for a cancer survivor. The bad news was not so nice though. I can never get pregnant again, as there is a high probability that the Melanoma would come back. It could mean giving up my life and not watching the child I have now grow up and become, what I hope to be, a wonderful loving man. I can physically get pregnant, but it is not advisable and not worth the risk of having to go through another cancer battle. Paul asked if, in 5 or 10 years down the track, I was still cancer free, could pregnancy be on the table then. We were told no. Crap. So, Wyatt shall be an only child. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for my son. I am thankful that I have a child when there are people out there who don't get that chance, but it still sucks. To have that option taken away is horrid and unfair. So now I have to not only be extra careful with my skin, I also have to be careful not to fall pregnant. I feel as though I should wrap myself in bubble wrap.
Master Wyatt and I waiting to see the Professor
I am sometimes asked if I am going to have another baby, and get told that I should give Wyatt a playmate as being an only child is not fun. I guess I am being selfish with wanting to make sure Wyatt has his mummy around for a very long time. There are people out there who purposely get pregnant to keep guys, neglect and/or abuse their kids, are just shithouse parents and yet these are the people who get to keep breeding! It also appears to be societies way that the perfect family has one boy and one girl. Apparently having one of each gender is ideal. Well, even if I could chance another pregnancy, what's to say I would want a little girl? Why does gender matter so damn much, when all that should be important is the health of the child? The first thing alot of people said to me when discovering I was carrying a boy was "Oh, Paul must be so happy". There is pressure that males prefer sons, then there is pressure to have one of each to make it a perfect family. What the hell is perfect? Does it even exist? I think not. And to clarify, Paul was stoked that he got to be a dad. He didn't mind the gender, he just wanted a healthy and happy child. It's all we both wanted. I guess now, when people ask me if and when I am going to give Wyatt a sibling, I shall have to think of something witty to reply with.
Unfair. That's life. What a fucking Bitch.
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